Bitch needs a slap in the face!

Mia confronted her mother, her whole life was a lie. If it wasnt bad enough having an awakard childhood and being bullied as a kid, she was now dealing with the fact that she had a secret brother and was a whole year older. The response she got was not one she was looking for. Her mother refused to open up and told Mia it was none of her business. She wouldnt let her open up the past and she didnt want Mia nosey around and trying to find out what was going on.

In the end, Mia gave up. She had too much going on in her own life and really couldnt deal with anymore pressure. She agreed to listen to her parents and move away from the crowd she hung out with. She decided that studying wasnt for her and that she wanted to train as a hairdresser and beauty therapist. She found an internship and worked long hours to stay away from her family, she kept in touch with her best friend from college and eventually found herself warming to the idea of being with him. She was bored and had fallen for Virginity Boy and the fact that College Dropout had a girlfriend made the chase even more exciting.


Mia managed to hide the relationship from her parents for 6 months, she would lie there and stare at the wall while he endlessly thrusted in her, she would listen to his constantly moaning about how unfair life was and pretend she gave a shit. It was the most boring rebound Mia had been dealt. It was coming up to her 18th birthday and Mia was looking forward to being spoilt, it finally meant she could go out and party and not have to worry about her overbearing parents, she would finally be a free spirit and could be the adult she wanted to be but as Mia has learnt the hard way, things never work out the way you want them to.

Mia´s grandmother had cancer again...and she only had a month to live.

If her world hadnt already collapsed, it was going to now.

Who Are They? WHO Are They?

Over the last few weeks, there has been an alarming amount of emails in my inbox (which I am still to reply to, I am sorry, Im in Espana, theres cute guys and sunshine galore, I find it very hard to concentrate on writing) about the characters in this blog. Lets face it, there´s been a few and even I sometimes get confused about them. Only the other day, I called The Womanizer by this fictious name rather than his real one. It was highly amusing.

Nevertheless, here is a list of characters which have either been mentioned previously or will be mention in the forthcoming posts. This list will be updated on a regulary basis so keep up...you might be missing out on juicy secrets!

Alex The Coke Dealer - Sworn enemy of Boy Band Hunk and The Womanizer. Once he had The Russians try and kidnap TW. Took a fancy to Mia and when she knocked him back, he threatened to kill her and pinned her up against the wall. That night, their rivarly was re-ignited.

Artisty Muse – One of the few people Mia has managed to get close to without ever meeting or speaking to. The girlfriend of one of her best friends in Barcelona, Mia has spent endless hours speaking to her online after his death. Artisty Muse is one of the most amazing women Mia has encountered and is waiting until the day they met. They both have similar taste in men and believe in the “love them and leave them” concept.

Angry Mum - The safety blanket that always keeps Mia warm. Watch out though, because this women has a mouth and isn't afraid to use it. This is one bitch you do not want to cross.

Boy Bank Hunk – Best friends with Mia’s ex The Womanizer. Mia briefly lived with him in the winter of 2008 and instantly fell in love with him the night they met. Unbelievable gorgeous, he was eye candy to Mia’s eyes for many months. Although nothing ever happened between them, Mia admires him from afar.

Bambi – Mia met Bambi in Barcelona last year. They quickly became best friends and Mia moved in 3 days after they met. These two bring out the best in each other but also the worst. Between them, they conquered most of the men in town and left with unbelievable reputations. People that hadn’t even met the girls yet know who they were. Currently living in Gran Canarias, the girls still talk every day and recently met up for a messy weekend in Barcelona, where once again, they took over the city by storm.

Country Bumpkin – Best friends with Mia’s old college friend. Two years younger than Mia, the strain of their separate worlds meant they never really worked out. He refused to visit Mia in London and she couldn’t adapt to country life. They randomly kept in touch through emails and texts when Mia broke up with Vain Man and since she moved back from Barcelona, they have regularly been texted each other. A few months ago while Mia was living in London, after not seeing each other for 4 years, they went out for a drink which ended in a full blown date. They both had a better time than they did when they were together. Mia is currently unsure as to what is happening with this situation but he continues to text her on a regular basis despite her now living in Spain.

Control Freak – A brief relationship with Control Freak ended after merely 4 days when he tried to tell Mia what clothes to wear, how to talk and whom to be friends with. At the time, Mia was trying to overcome her feelings for The Womanizer and thought it would be a good idea to be with someone else until one day she got fed up, dumped him via email and went out to get drunk with Boy Bank Hunk. The last time they saw each other, they had mad passionate sex in a hotel room after a drunken night out. Mia woke up the next morning with a bad hangover and a big bump on her head from where he had thrown her up against the mirror. That was the last she saw of him. She has since heard that he has moved back into his ex-girlfriends house and plans to marry her this year.

Corrupted Lawyer – One of Mia’s closest friends. They lost contact after leaving school but became firm friends again after finding each other on Facebook a few years ago. Without him, Mia is not sure where she would be. There have been moments where she has struggled to get out of bed in the morning after having her heart broken but he has always been there for her. One of the rare men that she has met in her life that completely blows her away, he is a true gent and an amazing guy. He also is the only person who has gotten Mia so drunk, she has committed some ridiculous acts of social behaviour. In the last 3 years, they have not spent one sober night out. Mia calls him in times of need to ask him for legal advice regarding her extra curricular activities in car parks.

Croat – Mia’s oldest friend spanning 20 years. This relationship has seen its ups and downs. Through out high school, Mia had the biggest crush on him until she realized it would never happen. These days, they remain good friends and although they don’t see each other as much as they wish they did, when they do, its like they never stopped talking.

DJ – The first housemate Mia lived with in Barcelona. Mia also happened to work with him…and his on/off lover. Within hours of meeting and moving in together, they made the mistake of jumping into bed for a drunken fumble. The next 3 months were difficult and Mia soon got bored of being in a messy triangle and moved out. She has since learnt that he slept with his best friend and his on/off lover left and moved back to London.

Dominatrix Girl – Used to live next door to Mia many years ago. They formed a strong friendship after Mia locked herself out of the house one night and needed to borrow a ladder to climb through the front bedroom window. Dominatrix Girl is the opposite of Mia, being very organized in her life, knowing what she wants and then going for it. Although a good influence, she does have tendencies to corrupt Mia on girls’ nights out. Dominatrix Girl however, is not a Dominatrix but trade but rather enjoys a good night of fetish dressing up and spanking. Mia has not seen her for over a year and will be soon catching up to cause havoc one more time.

Disappointed Dad - only slightly insaner than Mia herself. Seems to spend alot of his time lecturing Mia and constantly telling her how disappointed he is with her lifestyle choices.

Foreign Brother - the oldest of Mia's brothers, he lives in Amsterdam with his Latina wife and two gorgeous kids. His method is tough life. Always bringing Mia down a peg or two.

Nightclub Crawler – Mia’s first real boyfriend. They met in a local club where she stepped on his foot and bullied him all night until he paid her attention and swapped numbers. They dated for 15 months before Mia found out he cheated on her and walked out. Today they have remained friends and Mia often calls him when she needs to a shoulder to cry on.

Playboy Brother - the youngest of the bunch. Quiet and keeps himself to himself, never showing emotion. Mia compares him to Dexter often. He is also the playboy out of the brothers and constantly refuses to admit the existence of his girlfriend, whom hes been with for 5 years. Mia admires him very much so for this.

Race Car Boy – A friend of a friend through the driving circle. Mia met him many years ago when he had a girlfriend and when Mia refused to be involved with men with girlfriends. He recently contacted her on Facebook and after pursued her endlessly until she gave into him and agreed to go out with him for a drink. Mia had forgotten how attractive he was and was blown away by his lisp. This was a case of “wham, bam. Thank You Sir”. He has since contacted Mia on numerous occasions which she has refused to acknowledge.

Race Car Girl – One of Mia’s best friends until RCG slept with Mia´s ex. Had a tendency to be really possessive and needed to always know what Mia was doing. Was never happy with Mia having a boyfriend and wanted to go out every weekend. Mia secretly thinks Race Car Girl might have been jealous of her

Smart Brother - Mia's middle brother. The brains in the family, currently at one of Prestigious universities in the country, doing the "Prime Minister's" degree. Mia has money on her brother being the first Asian PM.

Sensible Boy - Good friends with TW. Mia adopted him as a big brother after she stop seeing TW, although it meant she still had to be on her best behaviour. They lived together briefly in the winter of 2008 with Chris. Sensible Boy recently moved home after deciding Barcelona was too much for him. Mia has not seen or spoken to him for months.

Slutty Bitch - An old work colleague of Mia´s that went out with Vain Man before she did. Mia soon realised how much of a slutty bitch she was and started to feel sorry for her. She was one of those women who had to have a man in her life to feel alive. Over the last few years, Mia has learnt about 50 men she has slept with. Today, she lives alone...more than likely in a shoe with a cat or two

Stoner Boy - Bambi´s fuck buddy and best friends with TW. Mia looked up to SB and thought the world of him until she realised how much of a bastard he was when he was exposed of spreading The Clap. One night, she confronted him of his reckless behaviour and they had a massive argument. Since Mia has been back, she has seen him out and about but they will never be the same again.

Swedish Hunk - Mia has only known Swedish Hunk before he moved back to Sweden. They became close when they realised that they both had a problem with the white stuff and Mia made sure he stayed clean before he went home to his lovely girlfriend. Now, nearly a year later, she has formed a strong friendship with his girlfriend, whom she speaks to every few days and is looking forward to seeing them both later this year.

Traveler – Mia met Traveler the same night she met Nighclub Crawler. For a few months she was seeing both of them. He was one of the few “gentlemen” Mia has met who had old school manner. Traveler has since worked as a PR in Ibiza and became a womanizer. They have kept in touch over the last 6 years and have continued their fuck buddy status whenever he has been in the country and she has been single. He is currently living in New Zealand with his lovely girlfriend whom Mia likes very much.

The Womanizer – The toxic ex from Barcelona whom Mia has had a love-hate relationship with. Older, richer and sexy as hell – bad combination. He came up to Mia outside his girlfriend’s restaurant and asked her to have a drink with him. For 7 months, they spent most of their time trying to classify what they were to each other until Mia had enough and walked away. These days, he is back to his normal self, being a Womanizer and causing havoc in the streets. Although they no longer talk, its pretty obvious that when they do cross paths again, they will end up in bed, just like they always used to.

The Spartan – Exotic looking hunk that Mia met when she was on a break from Vain Man. Possibly the closest man she has met that made her feel happy. They both share similar passions and want the same things in life. They briefly dated for a few months back in 2006 until Mia decided to get back together with Vain Man. They then continued to date for another year or so after she walked out on Vain Man. In 2008, The Spartan went travelling for a few months and Mia moved to Barcelona. She then persuaded him to move over with her but left him to pursue her infatuation with The Womanizer. Mia decided to move back to London, in the spring of 2009 to be with The Spartan again but unfortunately their relationship was short lived. Mia has had no contact with him for a few months now but understands that he is travelling around America this summer.

Tiger – Tiger is older than most of Mia’s friends. Mia tends to avoid the older generation as it usually involved discussions of marriage, mortgages and babies. Something she is avoiding for as long as possible. Tiger is one of the nicest guys Mia has me. They have had many drunken nights out together and Mia enjoys when he calls her up in the middle of the night. They play hangman and nougats and crosses on the phone. Don’t ask how. He is one of the few people she contacted when she was back in Barcelona.

Vain Man - Mia´s ex husband. He cheated on her constantly until one day she had enough and left. They havent spoken for nearly 2 years and Mia likes it this way. She hopes he burns in hell.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts

The next morning, Mia woke up to 103 missed calls from a private number. She had no idea who had been calling her so much and soon realised it was Recurring Problem, The Spartan's ex girlfriend by the abusive voicemail. She called him and asked him what was going on but he was too frustrated with her to talk things there peacefully. It turned out that while they had stopped seeing each other, he had decided to try and work things out with RP and had bought her a commitment ring. He hadn't told her about Mia and she had no clue who she was, that was until Mia made a funny comment about the size of The Spartan wang, which made RP question who she was. The conclusion of the ordeal was that RP was fuming and wanted to kick Mia's ass.

Mia told The Spartan she was sorry and promised him that she hadn't done it on purpose, she deleted his number and carried on her relationship with Vain Man. She didn't hear from The Spartan again until two months later. It just so happened to be the night that Vain Man had proposed to her while they were out drinking. As an excited Mia texted everyone in her phone book about her shocking engagement, she sat in VM's lap and together they read the congratulating texts together. Apart from one text, which when Mia opened, she realised it was from The Spartan. She tried to hide the phone from VM but it was obvious he had seen it, she had lied to him about sleeping with The Spartan and now his suggestive text had unfolded her secret. She texted The Spartan back and told him to delete her number and never to contact her again, she wanted to prove to VM that they were meant to be together and stopped going out where she knew TS used to hang out.

Mia and The Spartan never bumped into each other and contacted one another again...until the night Mia broke up with VM. Lost, confused and teary eyed, she found his number in her old phone. As the phone rang and she waited for him to answer, she wondered what she was going to say to him.

Was she making a mistake or did she just need comfort?

This Is Sparta!

So earlier in the week when I was trying to figure out how to get over one of my ex's and move on with my life, I hadn't realised that soon enough I would never see one of them ever again. The timing of tonight's events couldn't be anymore bittersweet or perfect if I had written them myself. Not only because I was feeling miserable but also because it's exactly where we left off with Vain Man.

This is...

The Story Of The Spartan

The Spartan has been previously mentioned very briefly. Mia met The Spartan when she was on a break from Vain Man. She had just found out he had been cheating on Slutty Bitch and was determined to get on with her life. One night when she went out with Arty Dominatrix to the local club she spotted The Spartan standing out from the crowd. Knowing she had nothing to lose, she pointed him out to her friend and told her that was her next man.

An hour later, Mia and The Spartan walked past each other and as they did, they both turned around to notice that the other had done the same. Mia went about her night and enjoyed the music and the buzz of the alcohol in her system until she noticed Nightclub Crawler, her ex boyfriend who was a constant fixture on the clubbing circuit. Frustrated at seeing him out, Mia tried to ignore him but he kept coming up to her, trying to wind her up and cause problems. As she stood there arguing with him, The Spartan came up to her and told her he was with the wrong man. She laughed at his very original chat up line and told him that he should of told him that 2 years ago when she had first met Nightclub Crawler.

The next hour or so, Mia and TS sat in the corner in one of the many bars and found out they had a lot in common. They were born only two weeks apart, both loved photography and travelling and lived down the road from each other. They exchanged numbers before returning to their friends, he promised to call her and Mia for once, was looking forward to it. Half an hour later, one of his friends came up to Mia and told her that TS had sent him to tell her that he wasn't hitting on the girl he was dancing with. Mia thought it was an odd thing to be told but then the guy explained that it was TS's ex-girlfriend who had too much to drink and he felt like he should look after her. Mia told him to tell TS not too worry about it, since she is blind and didn't even realise where he was. Mia went home that night not thinking of Vain Man for once and looking forward to hearing from the hunky Greek so had met.

The next night, when she finally felt human again, she received a text from TS. He was asking her what her plans were and if she fancied coming over to see him in a few hours. Mia couldn't remember what he looked like exactly and agreed to it anyways. When she saw him walking down the street to her, her jaw dropped and hit the floor. In front of her stood this tall, olive skinned, skinhead stranger. Unable to contain her excitement, she pinched herself to make sure it was actually happening. Back at his house, they put on a DVD but didn't pay much attention to it. They spent what felt like hours talking about things they had in common, Mia gave him enough information to tease him and make him want more but without giving the game away. When he finally admitted that he had just broken up with a semi-serious girlfriend he had been with for 2 years, Mia sighed with relief. She briefly told him about Vain Man and how he had been able to commit to her. She was left speechless when he told her that he would never be in that situation in the first place and had very straight rules about girlfriends and what defined them. The DVD looped on replay and it was only when the birds started to sing that they realised that it was 4am. They tip-toed our of his house and walked back to Mia's hand in hand. Like a true gent, he kissed her on the doorstep and waited until she was safely inside. Before she had managed to take her coat off, her phone went with. It was a simple "x"

She went to bed with a smile on her face, finally feeling like she had something to be happy about after all the drama with VM. Like they say, good things do happen to those who wait.

Crisis Alert

Today I decided to self-diagnose myself with Bipolar Depression and when I say self-diagnose, I mean with the help of numerous Facebook applications. Let’s set the scene, its baking hot outside, I’m lucky enough to have the week for work yet all I can consume myself with is the thought of my ex. Now for the purpose of today’s blog, this man will stay nameless, purely for the reason that I have no intentions of giving him any pleasure of knowing that I’m still aching for him. I will however, clear the air by saying I am NOT writing about Vain Man. I’m sure many of you (especially Auri who it seems has grown a special annoyance towards VM) will be happy to know.

For once, this break up is not an issue about self-confidence and making me feel good. Too many times, it has been proven that this man still lusts for me. I know I look good, in fact I look better now than I did when I was with him, I just need to stop thinking about him

The ins and outs of the relationship are not important because this tale will be told at a later time. What is important is how I need to get over this bastard without feeling like there is a massive hole in my life when he’s not in it. After much consideration, endless happy hour cocktails and continuous perverted thoughts of every man that crosses me path, I have come to the conclusion I don’t want anything to do with him and I don’t want to be with him again. I didn’t like the woman he had made me become, I never loved him and don’t think I ever could.

So why is it so hard to get over him?

Is it because I know that he’s not good for me and I can never really have him? Or is it because at the end of the day, the power of lust and passion over a woman is stronger than love? How can I still be lusting over someone that I don’t really have a need for in my life?

Sick of hearing new of his daily dalliances, I’ve decided to move on with it and keep busy. Seeing that I still have another 5 days off work to sunbathe, shop and perve, I need hints, tips and anything else that might keep my mind occupied. What did you do to get over your last ex?

Do voodoo dolls really work? Maybe I should burn all his clothes I have and do some kind of rain dance? Any suggestions no matter how crazy or how stupid will help!

Vain Man fights back...and fails

To Vain Man,

I think it is highly amusing that you feel the need to bitch, whine and moan about the fact that I have written our story in my blog. If you hadn’t of been such an arsehole who actually spent more time being a loving, caring boyfriend rather than a drunkard, two timing, lying, cheating douchebag, I wouldn’t of felt the need to discuss your shortcomings. However, you decided to constantly to go about your own Vain ways and not care about our relationship.

Clearly you do not have a leg to stand on since you were the one that firstly tried to get some form of commitment out of me to deter me from seeing/sleeping with other guys and THEN decided to go shag Slutty Bitch behind my back. I suggest you stop being such a prat and enjoy the fact that you haven’t been named and shamed the way you should have been.

Thank you for treating me like shit and making me realize that men like you aren’t worth the time/money/hassle. Since we broke up, I have become the ultimate sex vixen/won the lottery/moved to Spain where the men (and women) adored my exotic looks/written a fantastic blog which attracts readers from all across the globe who love and adore me the way I should be.

Hope your hair falls out and you suffer from major sunburn this summer that makes it unbearable for you to sleep properly.

Mia (No kisses you don’t deserve them)

**************

Vain Man's Response

Readers,

Mia is not who she says she is in this blog. The truth is she made me life a living hell, she didn’t let me have any space and was constantly there whenever I wanted to be alone. I told her so many times that I couldn’t and wouldn’t commit to her but she never really got the answer and moved on.

When I got back from travelling, I start to have feelings for her but was still in love with my ex girlfriend whom I was hoping to get back together with but “Mia doing what she does best”, persuaded me that I should be with her. We lived together for a while because I got her kicked out of her house and for a few months enjoyed being with her but then it all got a bit too much. I married her because I felt like it was something that had to be done, I was being pressured from both sides of our families and soon realized it was a mistake.

She drove me to cheat on her by relentlessly belittling me and making me feel like a small man, something she has obviously continue to do many years after we have broken up.

It’s clear to see for yourself that she still is in love with me and hasn’t moved on. I hope one day she moves on and finds someone in her life that can put up with the amount of crazy she puts out.

The only good memories I have of my time with Mia is when she finally gave up on us and left me. I have since met someone who truly makes me happy and understands me. My girlfriend is more stable, saner and in control of her life and knows how to treat a man properly.

I think Mia needs some serious help before she hurts herself and others, she is a car crash waiting for happen and I often worry that one day I will see her picture in the local newspaper under the heading “Local Crazy Girl Kills Herself And 5 Others”

Vain Man

Mia would like to thank all the readers that took out the time from their busy schedules to write to her. The winner has asked to be anonomous but will be sent out a goody bag from Lush.com shortly.

Does anyone else think Vain Man's lost the plot a bit and is still stuck in his own world?

Vain Man: Its All Over For Now

Mia had fallen from him. It was like watching a mug you had just dropped off the kitchen table falling, knowing it was going to hit the ground but being unable to do anything about it. In conversation, they had both established how they didn't want anything more than a casual arrangement yet she couldn't help but want to see him everyday. She would lie awake at night and watch him sleep. She would think about him when she wasn't with him and whenever Slutty Bitch came up in the conversion, she would crumble inside.

Even though they had been sleeping together for a while, she knew VM still had feelings for SB. He had told her many times and even penned a few songs about her. SB lived on campus where both her and VM went to University, would invite him over and dress inappropriately and it concerned Mia. She was not in a relationship with VM but they had both decided that if either of them would do anything with anyone else, they would tell the other person.

July was fast approaching and she was convinced that whatever magic they had between them would be over once he returned. She wasn't even sure they would keep in touch while he was away. In the last week before VM was going away, they spent every day together. Mia helped him pick clothes for his trip and even helped him pack his bag. Soon came the last night they would spent together, Mia spent the whole day getting ready, she bought lingerie and did her hair the way he liked it.

After hours of lying with each other, VM took her to her favourite restaurant even though he despised it with every inch of his body. They sat there in silence and ate. They both know that what they had, had to stop before one of them got hurt. When they got home that night, Mia cried into her pillow, VM held her tight and told her how silly she was being. He was only going away for a month.

It was only that night that she realised that she was the only one that felt anything in the situation. The man lying next to her might be there in person but his heart was somewhere else...somewhere where she couldn't reach.

While he was away, they kept in touch via email. The increasing amount of emails all indicated to Mia that in fact he had been missing her too and something more serious would happen between them when he got back. Then one night, she bumped into Slutty Bitch, it had been a while since they crossed paths and Mia had not been looking forward it to as she knew there was a chance SB would say something to her about Vain Man. Apparently they had slept together before he left and Mia knew although SB was trying to hurt her, she was probably telling the truth.

She left the club early and walked the mile out of town and into the arms of her ex-boyfriend, The Nightclub Crawler. That night she tried to put aside all her feelings for Vain Man and get lost in herself. To this day, Vain Man does not know of this night and she never told him.

When Vain Man came back from travelling, he never called Mia. When their paths did cross, she confronted him about that night he spent with Slutty Bitch and he denied it but it was too late. In the absence of what they had, Mia had gone out and met someone else. She was now seeing The Spartan and had no intention of being with Vain Man again. He hadn't noticed her worth and in the end she had come out on top, like she always does...that was until one night that completely changed her life where the only person that could make it right was Vain Man.