The Spartan vs Vain Man

Over the next two weeks, Mia and The Spartan saw each other every night, neither of them was working and so would sleep all day and then stay up together at night and stare out at the stars. They would take long walks around their town in the cold, holding hands like love sick teenagers, giggling away and eating ice cream. They would lie in bed and listen to chill out music surrounded by tea lights and make out.

For the first time in ages, Mia found herself opening up about her life without feeling awkward. She told him about her Disappointed Dad who had a habit of lashing out at her whenever they got into an argument. He told her how he used to be a nightmare growing up and was homeless for a while when his own dad kicked him out. Mia could tell that he had been troubled in the past but he had clearly got over whatever had happened and it had made him a stronger man because of it. They spoke about their last relationships and he showed her pictures of his ex. She hadn't treated him properly and in the end he had got sick of her and decided to end it.

Mia finally felt she had found her Greek King after all that ordeal with Vain Man. After a month of seeing each other, they slept together for the first time. Although it was obvious that The Spartan had wanted to happen earlier, he hadn’t pushed her into it but when it did happen, it wasn’t as great as they thought it would be and left them questioning why.

They put it down to first time nerves and felt that they would be fine with time but they soon realised that it wasn’t the case. The sexual chemistry between them was electric but they couldn't ignore the fact that physically they weren’t a right fit. Despite this, they continued with relationship as they were already involved emotionally.

Slowly Mia realised that this was a problem they wouldn’t be able to ignore. They soon went from seeing each other every day to only at the weekends. Then one day they just stopped texting each other. Mia started seeing Vain Man again and ended up moving in with him after Disappointed Dad caught them in the act. She continued to keep in touch with The Spartan and would see him out in the local club. On a few occasions, she would invite him home with her but they still had the same problems.

One night when she was out, she saw a girl she thought she recognised. She asked the girl where she knew her from and soon realised that she was The Spartan's ex girlfriend. Slightly under the influence, she asked her how he was and to tell him he had left his watch around her house.

The girl stormed off...Mia didn't know what she had done wrong.

This Is Sparta!

So earlier in the week when I was trying to figure out how to get over one of my ex's and move on with my life, I hadn't realised that soon enough I would never see one of them ever again. The timing of tonight's events couldn't be anymore bittersweet or perfect if I had written them myself. Not only because I was feeling miserable but also because it's exactly where we left off with Vain Man.

This is...

The Story Of The Spartan

The Spartan has been previously mentioned very briefly. Mia met The Spartan when she was on a break from Vain Man. She had just found out he had been cheating on Slutty Bitch and was determined to get on with her life. One night when she went out with Arty Dominatrix to the local club she spotted The Spartan standing out from the crowd. Knowing she had nothing to lose, she pointed him out to her friend and told her that was her next man.

An hour later, Mia and The Spartan walked past each other and as they did, they both turned around to notice that the other had done the same. Mia went about her night and enjoyed the music and the buzz of the alcohol in her system until she noticed Nightclub Crawler, her ex boyfriend who was a constant fixture on the clubbing circuit. Frustrated at seeing him out, Mia tried to ignore him but he kept coming up to her, trying to wind her up and cause problems. As she stood there arguing with him, The Spartan came up to her and told her he was with the wrong man. She laughed at his very original chat up line and told him that he should of told him that 2 years ago when she had first met Nightclub Crawler.

The next hour or so, Mia and TS sat in the corner in one of the many bars and found out they had a lot in common. They were born only two weeks apart, both loved photography and travelling and lived down the road from each other. They exchanged numbers before returning to their friends, he promised to call her and Mia for once, was looking forward to it. Half an hour later, one of his friends came up to Mia and told her that TS had sent him to tell her that he wasn't hitting on the girl he was dancing with. Mia thought it was an odd thing to be told but then the guy explained that it was TS's ex-girlfriend who had too much to drink and he felt like he should look after her. Mia told him to tell TS not too worry about it, since she is blind and didn't even realise where he was. Mia went home that night not thinking of Vain Man for once and looking forward to hearing from the hunky Greek so had met.

The next night, when she finally felt human again, she received a text from TS. He was asking her what her plans were and if she fancied coming over to see him in a few hours. Mia couldn't remember what he looked like exactly and agreed to it anyways. When she saw him walking down the street to her, her jaw dropped and hit the floor. In front of her stood this tall, olive skinned, skinhead stranger. Unable to contain her excitement, she pinched herself to make sure it was actually happening. Back at his house, they put on a DVD but didn't pay much attention to it. They spent what felt like hours talking about things they had in common, Mia gave him enough information to tease him and make him want more but without giving the game away. When he finally admitted that he had just broken up with a semi-serious girlfriend he had been with for 2 years, Mia sighed with relief. She briefly told him about Vain Man and how he had been able to commit to her. She was left speechless when he told her that he would never be in that situation in the first place and had very straight rules about girlfriends and what defined them. The DVD looped on replay and it was only when the birds started to sing that they realised that it was 4am. They tip-toed our of his house and walked back to Mia's hand in hand. Like a true gent, he kissed her on the doorstep and waited until she was safely inside. Before she had managed to take her coat off, her phone went with. It was a simple "x"

She went to bed with a smile on her face, finally feeling like she had something to be happy about after all the drama with VM. Like they say, good things do happen to those who wait.

Crisis Alert

Today I decided to self-diagnose myself with Bipolar Depression and when I say self-diagnose, I mean with the help of numerous Facebook applications. Let’s set the scene, its baking hot outside, I’m lucky enough to have the week for work yet all I can consume myself with is the thought of my ex. Now for the purpose of today’s blog, this man will stay nameless, purely for the reason that I have no intentions of giving him any pleasure of knowing that I’m still aching for him. I will however, clear the air by saying I am NOT writing about Vain Man. I’m sure many of you (especially Auri who it seems has grown a special annoyance towards VM) will be happy to know.

For once, this break up is not an issue about self-confidence and making me feel good. Too many times, it has been proven that this man still lusts for me. I know I look good, in fact I look better now than I did when I was with him, I just need to stop thinking about him

The ins and outs of the relationship are not important because this tale will be told at a later time. What is important is how I need to get over this bastard without feeling like there is a massive hole in my life when he’s not in it. After much consideration, endless happy hour cocktails and continuous perverted thoughts of every man that crosses me path, I have come to the conclusion I don’t want anything to do with him and I don’t want to be with him again. I didn’t like the woman he had made me become, I never loved him and don’t think I ever could.

So why is it so hard to get over him?

Is it because I know that he’s not good for me and I can never really have him? Or is it because at the end of the day, the power of lust and passion over a woman is stronger than love? How can I still be lusting over someone that I don’t really have a need for in my life?

Sick of hearing new of his daily dalliances, I’ve decided to move on with it and keep busy. Seeing that I still have another 5 days off work to sunbathe, shop and perve, I need hints, tips and anything else that might keep my mind occupied. What did you do to get over your last ex?

Do voodoo dolls really work? Maybe I should burn all his clothes I have and do some kind of rain dance? Any suggestions no matter how crazy or how stupid will help!

If Only Every Girl Had A Man Like Vain Man

The next day, when Mia woke up, she had sleep in her eyes, a bottle of vodka in her hand and 32 missed calls on her phone. All of them were from VM. He had come to talk to her the night before but she hadn't answered the door and had left his stuff outside. She texted his mother and told he she wouldn't be coming over for Christmas and got back into bed.

At midday she decided to get changed and go shopping. Since she had no need to buy anyone presents, she would spend the whole lot on meaningless junk she later regret buying. She turned the corner onto the main road where she saw VM. He was sat on the steps wearing same clothes as the night before, holding a bunch of her favourite flowers (Purple Tulips if anyone ever feels the need to buy Mia flowers) and his bags between his legs.

She cried as she explained why she had stormed out and how it made her feel to be in love with someone who was too selfish to let her go. He finally admitted that he had slept with Slutty Bitch before he left to for Asia and that while he was away he realised how strongly he felt about Mia but was too confused as to what he should do. He was convinced that if they became a couple he would ruin it and their friendship would be over.

The both laid their hearts out on the table and VM wanted her to come home to his parents and spend Christmas like they had originally planned.

Mia left to go shopping for to get the presents for his family but before she managed to pay for her shopping, she bumped into an old colleague that worked with her and VM. They discussed their plans for the holiday and when asked what she was doing for Christmas, Mia proudly answered she was spending it with VM and his family.

"Oh how is he? Hows things going with his girlfriend?"

"What girlfriend?"

"The one from Earlsfield"

For the second time in less than 24 hours, Mia found herself kicking VM out of their flat. She was stupid for thinking she could trust him. Not only had he hurt her, he had betrayed her and made her look like a dickhead.

She texted his mother and apologized again, telling her to ask her son for an explanation and with that she found a bottle of tequila and wished herself a merry fucking Christmas.

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this blog is about you. Don't you?

The saga of Vain Man is so long, Mia could of wrote her 3rd year dissertation on it. However, she is currently suffering from a vile case of Man Swine Flu known to womankind, trying to juggle moving flat, dumping her boyfriend, being seduced by an ex-lover who doesn't live in England and being her fabulous self all at the same time.

Mia has recently received abusive hate mail from Vain Man himself earlier in the week with words such as "defamation of character" "verbal abuse" and "substantial damages" being noted on more than one occasion. Rather than consulting her Lawyer Brother about her next move, she is looking for some rather not-so friendly words from her readers.

This weeks task, if you decide to accept is to write a brief letter, word count does not matter, it can as long or short as you wish to Vain Man in regards to his Vain Behaviour. The best entry will be posted AND sent to Vain Man. Any response(s) - he has a tendency to get a bit carried away will be posted. The lucky winner will also receive a lovely gift from lush.com of Mia's choice (it will be lush, the website says so!)

Entries can be sent in email to missmiadickinsonATgmailDOTcom or below in comments. This amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity to insult Vain Man yourself will close at midnight (GMT Darrrling) on Sunday 14th June. Please feel free to be as abusive as you feel necessary!

Now back to the story...

Mia had been seeing The Spartan but she managed to get bored of him very quickly. She was working longer hours and had to get her references done for her University placement in two days and had no idea what to write.

She texted VM since despite his Vain-ness, he was actually intelligent. Some people are street wise, Vain Man is brain wise. It was one of the (few) qualities that attracted Mia to him in the first place. So she went over to see him and spent the rest of the day at his house, sitting by the river and remembering how much she had missed his friendship.It then hit her, that more than anything else in her life, his friendship meant the most.

Whenever Mia was not at University, she would be at work, which was situated behind it. In between working, her classes and on her lunch break, she would see VM. They had quickly fallen back in their old routine and although they hadn't slept together again, Mia could see it on the cards.

Soon the night had come when Mia finally gave into her urges. Til this day, it is the most memorable night in her life and whenever she hears a song of Primal Scream's Screamadelic album, she is back in that room.

When everyone was out for the night, Mia invited VM over. He had already briefly met her Playboy Brother and knew it was Angry Mum's turn. She cooked their favourite meal and watched Easterenders. Neither of them having any interest in it whatsoever and as soon as the last bite was finished, the clothes came off. Caught up in themselves, they never heard the foot steps coming up.

As Mia heard the shouting and the attempt to open the door, she saw her whole life flashing before her. Disappointed Dad wasn't meant to be back for at least another few hours. She mouthed at Vain Man and told him to put his clothes on.

Mia knew she was in trouble. Her parents were aware that she had been sexually active for a number of years and had continuously expressed their disgust at her.

She opened the door to find Disappointed Dad holding a knife in his hand and screaming at her in Punjabi. Vain Man being of Caucasian descent didn't understand a word he was saying. DD told VM to leave and as Mia walked VM to the door she started crying. She could still hear DD screaming abuse at her and before her foot hit the last step, she started shaking.

"What's wrong? What did he say?" Asked Vain Man

"He said he's going to kill me after you leave"

"Is he being serious? He can't be serious"

"There's one thing Ive never told you before. He's been battering me for as long as I can remember. This is like Christmas for him"

Mia then knew there was only one thing she could do.

Vain Man: Its All Over For Now

Mia had fallen from him. It was like watching a mug you had just dropped off the kitchen table falling, knowing it was going to hit the ground but being unable to do anything about it. In conversation, they had both established how they didn't want anything more than a casual arrangement yet she couldn't help but want to see him everyday. She would lie awake at night and watch him sleep. She would think about him when she wasn't with him and whenever Slutty Bitch came up in the conversion, she would crumble inside.

Even though they had been sleeping together for a while, she knew VM still had feelings for SB. He had told her many times and even penned a few songs about her. SB lived on campus where both her and VM went to University, would invite him over and dress inappropriately and it concerned Mia. She was not in a relationship with VM but they had both decided that if either of them would do anything with anyone else, they would tell the other person.

July was fast approaching and she was convinced that whatever magic they had between them would be over once he returned. She wasn't even sure they would keep in touch while he was away. In the last week before VM was going away, they spent every day together. Mia helped him pick clothes for his trip and even helped him pack his bag. Soon came the last night they would spent together, Mia spent the whole day getting ready, she bought lingerie and did her hair the way he liked it.

After hours of lying with each other, VM took her to her favourite restaurant even though he despised it with every inch of his body. They sat there in silence and ate. They both know that what they had, had to stop before one of them got hurt. When they got home that night, Mia cried into her pillow, VM held her tight and told her how silly she was being. He was only going away for a month.

It was only that night that she realised that she was the only one that felt anything in the situation. The man lying next to her might be there in person but his heart was somewhere else...somewhere where she couldn't reach.

While he was away, they kept in touch via email. The increasing amount of emails all indicated to Mia that in fact he had been missing her too and something more serious would happen between them when he got back. Then one night, she bumped into Slutty Bitch, it had been a while since they crossed paths and Mia had not been looking forward it to as she knew there was a chance SB would say something to her about Vain Man. Apparently they had slept together before he left and Mia knew although SB was trying to hurt her, she was probably telling the truth.

She left the club early and walked the mile out of town and into the arms of her ex-boyfriend, The Nightclub Crawler. That night she tried to put aside all her feelings for Vain Man and get lost in herself. To this day, Vain Man does not know of this night and she never told him.

When Vain Man came back from travelling, he never called Mia. When their paths did cross, she confronted him about that night he spent with Slutty Bitch and he denied it but it was too late. In the absence of what they had, Mia had gone out and met someone else. She was now seeing The Spartan and had no intention of being with Vain Man again. He hadn't noticed her worth and in the end she had come out on top, like she always does...that was until one night that completely changed her life where the only person that could make it right was Vain Man.

Vain Man: When boredom leads you into trouble

Exactly a month after their first rendezvous, Mia found herself going through her phonebook. She wasn't necessarily looking for sex, she just wanted to get away from Angry Dad who was doing her nut in.

She finally came across VM's number and called him up asking if she could come over. A brave move seeing that she had been avoiding him since he came over and she had no clue where he lived. VM was unfortunately busy at a gig in Hammersmith but told Mia that she could come around when he got back if she wanted. With a sudden chance of sex on the cards, Mia went home and got ready.

When she met VM at the train station, he was drunk and covered in sweat. This is a smell Mia oddly finds very attractive. Finally in the warmth of his room Mia admired the decor. The walls were covered with posters of The Beatles, Small Faces, The Smiths, Kasabian. One side of the room was rows and rows of cd's and vinyl's. This room was a homage to the 60's and 70's, a new world that Mia had not been exposed to before. Her own father, Angry Dad had only just discovered Whitney Houston.

In true drunken fashion, VM didn't really know what he was doing and at one point bitch slapped Mia in the face with the condom when he was unsuccessfully trying to take it off. It goes without saying that it was another lame attempt to finally get some.

Where had all the chemistry gone?

Mia was debating whether to stay the night and sleep in VM's big strong arms or to go home...unsatisfied again

Mia stayed the night and woke up to be greeted by a gorgeous looking VM carrying warm croissants and sugary tea. She was not expecting this from him at all, she could get used to this and she did. Over the next 3 months, Mia would call VM up when she was drunk and needed some loving. She would go over, spent the night and in the morning leave. They had gotten into a nice comfortable pattern where they would pleasure each other and in between watch DVDs and talk.

Their friendship if they had any in the first place had completely changed, the more time they spent together, the more Mia admired him. He played the guitar and wrote songs. They talked about their broken relationships and where they were heading themselves. VM had decided he was going travelling around Asia for a month in July and Mia was pleased for him. The break up with Slutty Bitch had hit him hard and Mia could see that even months later he was still suffering.

As time passed on and they saw more of each other, they started to hang out rather than just met up only in the night when they were both drunk. Mia would come over and lie in bed while VM entertained her, introducing her to new types of music, comedy she had never heard of and places she had never been. Every time she would leave him, she would have a sinking feeling inside...she wasn't falling for him was she?