We can make this work

When The Spartan answered the phone, Mia melted. All the memories of their love affair had come rushing back to her. She pretended she had seen him out recently and told him she didn't want to come over in case he was with Recurring Problem. He told her that they weren't together and that what happened between the three of them had ruined whatever might of happened. Mia told him about Vain Man cheating on her and held back the tears. He asked her where she was living and she replied that she was back at her parents, down the road from his. They planned to meet up in a few hours and see each other. Mia was nervous and spent the next few hours confused as to what she was doing. She needed a distraction from VM but she also knew that she really liked TS and couldn't fuck things up again.

When they met up at The Spot, the place that was exactly equal distances from each other's houses, they held each other and kissed passionately. Hands everywhere, they hardly stopped for air. As they walked to his house, Mia remembered all the things she had liked about him, his smells, his strong arms, his intellect. Eventually when they got inside, they jumped on each other and explored their hungry bodies. Whereas Vain Man rushed everything and was more about the act rather than the foreplay, The Spartan took his time and controlled the situation. Not knowing how she would feel about sleeping with another man so soon after walking out on her husband, she pushed her fears aside and let go.

When the moment came to it, they realised that they had the same problem. Although they were now able to do it, it caused too many issues and The Spartan complained that he was in pain. The angles and movements meant that there were too many positions they couldn't do. As they spooned afterwards, they spoke for the first time about what was going wrong with them. They decided to give it another go and decided with the right amount of time and care, it would be fine. For two months they tried until one day, The Spartan hurt Mia so much that she had to have stitches.

Then one night, Disappointed Dad threatened to kill Mia once again and she lost the plot and called the police. She had him arrested and her whole family turned against her. Within the space of an hour, she was homeless with no where to go. Not able to go to any of her family or seek any help from Vain Man, she slept rough for weeks on her friends couches and floors. She never once told The Spartan about what was going on and tried to get the council to help her but was unsuccessful. Soon, word spread round her extended family about what had happened and she couldn't take the pressure anymore.

As she sat in her friends apartment, she downed 20 Nurofens and a bottle of vodka. She couldn't cope anymore and didn't want to live. After all, she had nothing to live for...

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts

The next morning, Mia woke up to 103 missed calls from a private number. She had no idea who had been calling her so much and soon realised it was Recurring Problem, The Spartan's ex girlfriend by the abusive voicemail. She called him and asked him what was going on but he was too frustrated with her to talk things there peacefully. It turned out that while they had stopped seeing each other, he had decided to try and work things out with RP and had bought her a commitment ring. He hadn't told her about Mia and she had no clue who she was, that was until Mia made a funny comment about the size of The Spartan wang, which made RP question who she was. The conclusion of the ordeal was that RP was fuming and wanted to kick Mia's ass.

Mia told The Spartan she was sorry and promised him that she hadn't done it on purpose, she deleted his number and carried on her relationship with Vain Man. She didn't hear from The Spartan again until two months later. It just so happened to be the night that Vain Man had proposed to her while they were out drinking. As an excited Mia texted everyone in her phone book about her shocking engagement, she sat in VM's lap and together they read the congratulating texts together. Apart from one text, which when Mia opened, she realised it was from The Spartan. She tried to hide the phone from VM but it was obvious he had seen it, she had lied to him about sleeping with The Spartan and now his suggestive text had unfolded her secret. She texted The Spartan back and told him to delete her number and never to contact her again, she wanted to prove to VM that they were meant to be together and stopped going out where she knew TS used to hang out.

Mia and The Spartan never bumped into each other and contacted one another again...until the night Mia broke up with VM. Lost, confused and teary eyed, she found his number in her old phone. As the phone rang and she waited for him to answer, she wondered what she was going to say to him.

Was she making a mistake or did she just need comfort?

The Spartan vs Vain Man

Over the next two weeks, Mia and The Spartan saw each other every night, neither of them was working and so would sleep all day and then stay up together at night and stare out at the stars. They would take long walks around their town in the cold, holding hands like love sick teenagers, giggling away and eating ice cream. They would lie in bed and listen to chill out music surrounded by tea lights and make out.

For the first time in ages, Mia found herself opening up about her life without feeling awkward. She told him about her Disappointed Dad who had a habit of lashing out at her whenever they got into an argument. He told her how he used to be a nightmare growing up and was homeless for a while when his own dad kicked him out. Mia could tell that he had been troubled in the past but he had clearly got over whatever had happened and it had made him a stronger man because of it. They spoke about their last relationships and he showed her pictures of his ex. She hadn't treated him properly and in the end he had got sick of her and decided to end it.

Mia finally felt she had found her Greek King after all that ordeal with Vain Man. After a month of seeing each other, they slept together for the first time. Although it was obvious that The Spartan had wanted to happen earlier, he hadn’t pushed her into it but when it did happen, it wasn’t as great as they thought it would be and left them questioning why.

They put it down to first time nerves and felt that they would be fine with time but they soon realised that it wasn’t the case. The sexual chemistry between them was electric but they couldn't ignore the fact that physically they weren’t a right fit. Despite this, they continued with relationship as they were already involved emotionally.

Slowly Mia realised that this was a problem they wouldn’t be able to ignore. They soon went from seeing each other every day to only at the weekends. Then one day they just stopped texting each other. Mia started seeing Vain Man again and ended up moving in with him after Disappointed Dad caught them in the act. She continued to keep in touch with The Spartan and would see him out in the local club. On a few occasions, she would invite him home with her but they still had the same problems.

One night when she was out, she saw a girl she thought she recognised. She asked the girl where she knew her from and soon realised that she was The Spartan's ex girlfriend. Slightly under the influence, she asked her how he was and to tell him he had left his watch around her house.

The girl stormed off...Mia didn't know what she had done wrong.

This Is Sparta!

So earlier in the week when I was trying to figure out how to get over one of my ex's and move on with my life, I hadn't realised that soon enough I would never see one of them ever again. The timing of tonight's events couldn't be anymore bittersweet or perfect if I had written them myself. Not only because I was feeling miserable but also because it's exactly where we left off with Vain Man.

This is...

The Story Of The Spartan

The Spartan has been previously mentioned very briefly. Mia met The Spartan when she was on a break from Vain Man. She had just found out he had been cheating on Slutty Bitch and was determined to get on with her life. One night when she went out with Arty Dominatrix to the local club she spotted The Spartan standing out from the crowd. Knowing she had nothing to lose, she pointed him out to her friend and told her that was her next man.

An hour later, Mia and The Spartan walked past each other and as they did, they both turned around to notice that the other had done the same. Mia went about her night and enjoyed the music and the buzz of the alcohol in her system until she noticed Nightclub Crawler, her ex boyfriend who was a constant fixture on the clubbing circuit. Frustrated at seeing him out, Mia tried to ignore him but he kept coming up to her, trying to wind her up and cause problems. As she stood there arguing with him, The Spartan came up to her and told her he was with the wrong man. She laughed at his very original chat up line and told him that he should of told him that 2 years ago when she had first met Nightclub Crawler.

The next hour or so, Mia and TS sat in the corner in one of the many bars and found out they had a lot in common. They were born only two weeks apart, both loved photography and travelling and lived down the road from each other. They exchanged numbers before returning to their friends, he promised to call her and Mia for once, was looking forward to it. Half an hour later, one of his friends came up to Mia and told her that TS had sent him to tell her that he wasn't hitting on the girl he was dancing with. Mia thought it was an odd thing to be told but then the guy explained that it was TS's ex-girlfriend who had too much to drink and he felt like he should look after her. Mia told him to tell TS not too worry about it, since she is blind and didn't even realise where he was. Mia went home that night not thinking of Vain Man for once and looking forward to hearing from the hunky Greek so had met.

The next night, when she finally felt human again, she received a text from TS. He was asking her what her plans were and if she fancied coming over to see him in a few hours. Mia couldn't remember what he looked like exactly and agreed to it anyways. When she saw him walking down the street to her, her jaw dropped and hit the floor. In front of her stood this tall, olive skinned, skinhead stranger. Unable to contain her excitement, she pinched herself to make sure it was actually happening. Back at his house, they put on a DVD but didn't pay much attention to it. They spent what felt like hours talking about things they had in common, Mia gave him enough information to tease him and make him want more but without giving the game away. When he finally admitted that he had just broken up with a semi-serious girlfriend he had been with for 2 years, Mia sighed with relief. She briefly told him about Vain Man and how he had been able to commit to her. She was left speechless when he told her that he would never be in that situation in the first place and had very straight rules about girlfriends and what defined them. The DVD looped on replay and it was only when the birds started to sing that they realised that it was 4am. They tip-toed our of his house and walked back to Mia's hand in hand. Like a true gent, he kissed her on the doorstep and waited until she was safely inside. Before she had managed to take her coat off, her phone went with. It was a simple "x"

She went to bed with a smile on her face, finally feeling like she had something to be happy about after all the drama with VM. Like they say, good things do happen to those who wait.

You think its all over...it is now

Trying to throw a birthday party for a man who hardly talks to you was never going to easy but Mia was convinced that she going to pull it off. Despite all the recent problems, Mia still believed that they loved each other enough to work through them. The week before the party, Mia was sick of pretending that everything was fine with them and confronted him.

Mia was tired of feeling unwanted and wanted to know why he was acting the way he was. In the midst of the argument, he told her he knew about her plans for his birthday and that she shouldn't bother. Hurt by what he was saying, she asked him what he was talking about and how he had found out. He told her that he knew she had been going through her phone and it was only pushing him away.

All of a sudden, Mia saw red and knew that it was the girl that had texted her that must of told him. She demanded to know who the girl was, originally when she texted her, she thought it was the wife of one of their friends that she hadnt met yet. Now, she knew it wasnt her and was convinced that this girl was more than just a platonic friend.

Mia moved out of the flat and stayed with her friend for a few days. She was fed up of the woman she had become, she went from being a strong independent girl to someone who deeply relied on the reassurance from a man who didnt show his love for her. The night before VM's birthday party, they met up in the bar Mia was working in. They sat down and eventually VM told her he wanted to work things out and get back to how they were.

At the party, they both put on an act and fooled everyone into thinking they were happily married but more than ever, Mia felt like she didnt belong there. His parents had bought them a holiday to Budapest in two months time as a surprise and she couldnt help but think they wouldnt make it that far. A week after the party, VM called Mia while he was at work and told her to come see him. In front of the pub where he had proposed to her, he told her he wanted to get divorced and end their relationship. It was one of those moments that she saw coming but she didnt want to believe it was happening. She never thought it was would end like this and kept telling him that it wasnt over and they were still worth fighting for. That night, while she was out, he moved all his stuff back to his parents.

The next month was a complete blur, Mia locked herself in the flat, sulking at the mess her life had become. She knew that there was something going on and didnt know what to do about it. Everyone kept telling her that it was just a phase but she knew it wasn't. Then one night, while she was drunk at a friends house, she told him the whole situation with this mystery women and how she was sure something was going on. Her friend being the computer genius he is, hacked into VM's Myspace and emails and Mia finally found the proof she needed. She found emails from the mystery women and discovered that VM had been cheating on her longer than she thought, it had started before they went on holiday to Barcelona. She thought when he was crying and declaring his love for her it was because he felt guilty about the fact that they were arguing, when in reality it was because he was cheating on her. Mia screamed red murder down the phone when she found out that only one was he cheating on her but he was also signed up for sex on adult sites. The profiles described him to the bone and even had a picture she had taken of him while they were on holiday. In a drunken rage and with the help of her friend, she hacked into all his online accounts and changed his profile pictures to a picture she had on her phone of him completely starkers. She emailed the same picture to everyone in his address phone and all the numbers in his phone. She even sent it to his family.

Eventually when VM found out what she had done, he refused to speak to her. She had finally hurt him the same way he had been hurting her for the last 18 months. The date for their holiday was coming up and although she had paid for some of the activities they were meant to be doing, he refused to take her. The night before they were due to fly, he called her up and told her no one else could make it on such late notice and that she could come with him but only because he didnt want to go alone. The flight over and the first day was a nightmare, Mia's outlook had completely changed. She no longer needed to care about what Vain Man thought and while he was in the toilet in a swanky bar, she got a bit friendly with a cute German. Vain Man being Vain couldnt deal with seeing his wife with someone else and went back alone to the hotel. When Mia finally got back, he questioned her about what she had been doing. She wouldnt give him any answers and led him to believe that something more had happened when in reality, she had gone for a long walk and sat alone by the Castle.

The rest of the holiday passed quickly and when they returned to England, they decided to give each other another chance and work things through without any pressure or complications. They started to date again and remember what it was like to enjoy the company of each other, until one day Mia came across a text from a girl on Vain Man's fone. She confronted him about it and deep down inside, she didnt believe his explanation. This was now the fourth time she had accused him of cheating and she had been right every time before. Not being able to cope with his antics anymore, Mia left Vain Man for good and walked out of his life. 2 days later, on her 22nd birthday, he came over to see her and beg for another chance. She just couldnt bear to get hurt again. A month later, she decided that she loved him too much and tried to give him another chance. One night while he was asleep, Mia looked through his phone and found a text from the same girl. It was obvious that they were more than just friends now and she called her to ask her who she was.

The girl confirmed everything Mia thought and when Mia told her she was VM's wife, the girl denied any knowledge of her. After 30 minutes of crying and pacing up and down the room, Mia physically threw VM out of bed. She gave him no explanation, no excuses, nothing. She threw his clothes out of the window and kicked him out. That day, Mia promised herself she would never let another man treat her like shit and get away with it.

Mia never saw Vain Man again.

New Beginnings

Mia woke up the next morning still drunk, she called her own family and wished them a Merry Christmas, had a long bath and cooked something to eat. As she sat in her empty flat, she heard a knock on the door. She opened it to find Vain Man's mother standing there demanding she come home. Mia couldn't argue with the woman that had been like a second mother to her and decided to go. Back at the house, she enjoyed her first real White Christmas. She got drunk, played monopoly and after avoiding Vain Man for the majority of the evening, she decided to talk to him about their whole situation. VM explained that he had lied about having a girlfriend in Earlsfield to stop Slutty Bitch from coming between them, although Mia didn't believe him, she realised he must of been telling the truth. Slutty Bitch had stopped contacting them and had left them alone. The rest of the night and the festive holidays was spent on Cloud 9. The both of them showered each other with gifts, turned their phones off and shut out the world.

For the first time in their relationship, they were happy. The New Year meant a new beginning. Mia had told him about The Spartan and when Vain Man asked her if they had slept together, she denied it. She didn't want to lie to him but he looked so devastated and the last thing she wanted to do was upset the man she loved. A month before their year anniversary, on a drunken night out with VM's friends, he got down on one knee and proposed. Mia thinking he wasn't being serious, accepted. The rest of the night was spent celebrating, buying bottles of expensive Champagne and very public displays of affection.

A few days later, Mia went and had her long hair cut in a Mod style pixie bob, she thought VM would of been impressed since he, himself is fond of that era. However when he came home drunk later that night, he got into bed mumbling that he didn't fancy her anymore. Like any woman whose man tells her he doesn't find her attractive anymore, Mia didn't know how to handle his rejection.

As their year anniversary approached, she felt that his feelings towards her had changed, he was becoming more irritated at everything. She blamed it on the fact that he was working longer hours without any days off but when he started to go off sex, she knew there was something wrong. Whenever they would have sex, he would cry afterwards telling her never to forget how much he loved her. They went away to Barcelona for a long weekend to celebrate their anniversary but the atmosphere was tense and they didn't have sex once. They had gone from being a couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other and who often were late when meeting people because they got caught up in the act to barely even holding hands in the street when sightseeing. Every time she asked him about it, he brushed it off saying that he was tired and just stressed out.

Mia grew even more insecure in herself, she realised that he didn't find her attractive anymore and started to wear more and more unflattering clothes. She put weight on and didn't bother with her appearance. She grew jealous of when they were out and he would comment on other women. At the beginning, they would women-watch and comment on how stunning they were but now she just wanted to hit him every time. She especially hated the fact that he had taken her to his best friend's birthday without telling her that one of his ex girlfriends would be there. Seeing this tall, curvy girl with long hair made her cry inside. She tried to tell herself that if he didn't want her, they wouldn't be together.

They had planned on having a late summer wedding and both of them were trying to save up as much as possible. Mia was convinced that it was just a rough patch that they were going through and as soon as they were married things would work out. They had both been stressed out with their jobs and just needed a break. Her hair had started to grow and she was desperately trying to make herself look stunning for her man. They had decided to have a traditional Indian wedding as VM was keen on Indian culture, everything had been planned to how they wanted it. Mia doesn't remember much of her wedding day as it was manic and hectic but whenever she looks back at the video, she realises that despite the distance that had been there between them, they looked like a young couple in love and they looked happy and content.

Two months later and VM's birthday was coming up. Mia wanted to go away on holiday but she knew that they couldn't afford the time or money for a break. Instead she confined in her mother-in-law and planned a fancy dress surprise birthday party. While her mother-in-law distracted VM, Mia took his phone and copied all his contacts on her phone. The next day while she was at work, she texted everyone on the list from her mobile telling them the details. Most of the names she recognised but one girl texted back asking her back asking which Vain Man was she talking about as her boyfriend also had a similar name whose birthday was coming up. Mia thought it was very odd and tried to call the number but the girl kept hanging up on her. Mia slightly confused about the situation panicked slightly but tried not to worry about it too much. She had people to call, a cake to order and more importantly an outfit to buy.

She forgot about it and carried on with her day...not realise that she had just come across something that would ruin her life forever...

If Only Every Girl Had A Man Like Vain Man

The next day, when Mia woke up, she had sleep in her eyes, a bottle of vodka in her hand and 32 missed calls on her phone. All of them were from VM. He had come to talk to her the night before but she hadn't answered the door and had left his stuff outside. She texted his mother and told he she wouldn't be coming over for Christmas and got back into bed.

At midday she decided to get changed and go shopping. Since she had no need to buy anyone presents, she would spend the whole lot on meaningless junk she later regret buying. She turned the corner onto the main road where she saw VM. He was sat on the steps wearing same clothes as the night before, holding a bunch of her favourite flowers (Purple Tulips if anyone ever feels the need to buy Mia flowers) and his bags between his legs.

She cried as she explained why she had stormed out and how it made her feel to be in love with someone who was too selfish to let her go. He finally admitted that he had slept with Slutty Bitch before he left to for Asia and that while he was away he realised how strongly he felt about Mia but was too confused as to what he should do. He was convinced that if they became a couple he would ruin it and their friendship would be over.

The both laid their hearts out on the table and VM wanted her to come home to his parents and spend Christmas like they had originally planned.

Mia left to go shopping for to get the presents for his family but before she managed to pay for her shopping, she bumped into an old colleague that worked with her and VM. They discussed their plans for the holiday and when asked what she was doing for Christmas, Mia proudly answered she was spending it with VM and his family.

"Oh how is he? Hows things going with his girlfriend?"

"What girlfriend?"

"The one from Earlsfield"

For the second time in less than 24 hours, Mia found herself kicking VM out of their flat. She was stupid for thinking she could trust him. Not only had he hurt her, he had betrayed her and made her look like a dickhead.

She texted his mother and apologized again, telling her to ask her son for an explanation and with that she found a bottle of tequila and wished herself a merry fucking Christmas.

Vain Man fights back...and fails

To Vain Man,

I think it is highly amusing that you feel the need to bitch, whine and moan about the fact that I have written our story in my blog. If you hadn’t of been such an arsehole who actually spent more time being a loving, caring boyfriend rather than a drunkard, two timing, lying, cheating douchebag, I wouldn’t of felt the need to discuss your shortcomings. However, you decided to constantly to go about your own Vain ways and not care about our relationship.

Clearly you do not have a leg to stand on since you were the one that firstly tried to get some form of commitment out of me to deter me from seeing/sleeping with other guys and THEN decided to go shag Slutty Bitch behind my back. I suggest you stop being such a prat and enjoy the fact that you haven’t been named and shamed the way you should have been.

Thank you for treating me like shit and making me realize that men like you aren’t worth the time/money/hassle. Since we broke up, I have become the ultimate sex vixen/won the lottery/moved to Spain where the men (and women) adored my exotic looks/written a fantastic blog which attracts readers from all across the globe who love and adore me the way I should be.

Hope your hair falls out and you suffer from major sunburn this summer that makes it unbearable for you to sleep properly.

Mia (No kisses you don’t deserve them)

**************

Vain Man's Response

Readers,

Mia is not who she says she is in this blog. The truth is she made me life a living hell, she didn’t let me have any space and was constantly there whenever I wanted to be alone. I told her so many times that I couldn’t and wouldn’t commit to her but she never really got the answer and moved on.

When I got back from travelling, I start to have feelings for her but was still in love with my ex girlfriend whom I was hoping to get back together with but “Mia doing what she does best”, persuaded me that I should be with her. We lived together for a while because I got her kicked out of her house and for a few months enjoyed being with her but then it all got a bit too much. I married her because I felt like it was something that had to be done, I was being pressured from both sides of our families and soon realized it was a mistake.

She drove me to cheat on her by relentlessly belittling me and making me feel like a small man, something she has obviously continue to do many years after we have broken up.

It’s clear to see for yourself that she still is in love with me and hasn’t moved on. I hope one day she moves on and finds someone in her life that can put up with the amount of crazy she puts out.

The only good memories I have of my time with Mia is when she finally gave up on us and left me. I have since met someone who truly makes me happy and understands me. My girlfriend is more stable, saner and in control of her life and knows how to treat a man properly.

I think Mia needs some serious help before she hurts herself and others, she is a car crash waiting for happen and I often worry that one day I will see her picture in the local newspaper under the heading “Local Crazy Girl Kills Herself And 5 Others”

Vain Man

Mia would like to thank all the readers that took out the time from their busy schedules to write to her. The winner has asked to be anonomous but will be sent out a goody bag from Lush.com shortly.

Does anyone else think Vain Man's lost the plot a bit and is still stuck in his own world?

Walking out on her life

Mia left with Vain Man. She had no money, no clothes and nowhere to go. She called Angry Man who just called her a whore and said if her dad didn't killed her, she would do it herself.

VM said she could stay at his. He felt it was all his fault and couldn't stop worrying that he had ruined her life. He had been out with many Asian girls before whom had strict parents but he had never been near their houses or been caught in the act.

As they walked down his road, Mia knew what was coming next, she had to meet his family, something she had successfully managed to avoid to do before and was amusing at timing for formal introductions.

They walked through the door and VM went to make them some tea. He led her into the living room where his mother was watching TV.

"Mum, this is Mia. We're got a little bit of a problem and we don't know what to do"

He looked at Mia. "Do you want me to tell her?" She looked away and wiped her tears.

"Tell me what? You're not pregnant are you?"

Mia nodded at VM and he explained the whole situation to his mother.

His mother, handed Mia a tissue, hugged her and told her she was welcome in their house anytime. Many months later, his mother admitted that she was disappointed that Mia hadn't been pregnant. Something that Mia found both intriguing and disturbing.

The next day, while her family were at her cousins wedding, she packed all her belongings and moved out. Borrowing money from his parents, they moved into a small apartment ready to start their new life.

Several months later and it was the week before Christmas. Mia had settled into her new life and spent most of her waking hours with VM. She still didn't know where they stood but she was apart of the family now.

Whenever they would have "The Talk" VM would explain to her that he felt stronger feelings for her than a friend but not as strongly enough to be his girlfriend. Mia had been told by his mother that he did want to be with her, he was scared of being hurt and would eventually come round.

The day before Christmas Eve, Mia feel asleep in VM's bedroom at his parents house. She was exhausted from working long hours. When she got woke up, she undressed and texted VM telling him to come upstairs. Seconds later, she heard his phone beep under the bed.

She went to delete the text she had just sent him and when she saw Slutty Bitch's name into his inbox, she read what was it said and immediately put her clothes back on. It confirmed what she had thought all along. That good for nothing bastard had been sleeping with her behind Mia's back.

She stormed out his parents house and called the land line.

"We're done. Come pick up your shit in an hour and get the fuck out of my life"

VM had already put her thorough too much and now it was Christmas and she would be spending it alone.

What a brilliant way to end the year...

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this blog is about you. Don't you?

The saga of Vain Man is so long, Mia could of wrote her 3rd year dissertation on it. However, she is currently suffering from a vile case of Man Swine Flu known to womankind, trying to juggle moving flat, dumping her boyfriend, being seduced by an ex-lover who doesn't live in England and being her fabulous self all at the same time.

Mia has recently received abusive hate mail from Vain Man himself earlier in the week with words such as "defamation of character" "verbal abuse" and "substantial damages" being noted on more than one occasion. Rather than consulting her Lawyer Brother about her next move, she is looking for some rather not-so friendly words from her readers.

This weeks task, if you decide to accept is to write a brief letter, word count does not matter, it can as long or short as you wish to Vain Man in regards to his Vain Behaviour. The best entry will be posted AND sent to Vain Man. Any response(s) - he has a tendency to get a bit carried away will be posted. The lucky winner will also receive a lovely gift from lush.com of Mia's choice (it will be lush, the website says so!)

Entries can be sent in email to missmiadickinsonATgmailDOTcom or below in comments. This amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity to insult Vain Man yourself will close at midnight (GMT Darrrling) on Sunday 14th June. Please feel free to be as abusive as you feel necessary!

Now back to the story...

Mia had been seeing The Spartan but she managed to get bored of him very quickly. She was working longer hours and had to get her references done for her University placement in two days and had no idea what to write.

She texted VM since despite his Vain-ness, he was actually intelligent. Some people are street wise, Vain Man is brain wise. It was one of the (few) qualities that attracted Mia to him in the first place. So she went over to see him and spent the rest of the day at his house, sitting by the river and remembering how much she had missed his friendship.It then hit her, that more than anything else in her life, his friendship meant the most.

Whenever Mia was not at University, she would be at work, which was situated behind it. In between working, her classes and on her lunch break, she would see VM. They had quickly fallen back in their old routine and although they hadn't slept together again, Mia could see it on the cards.

Soon the night had come when Mia finally gave into her urges. Til this day, it is the most memorable night in her life and whenever she hears a song of Primal Scream's Screamadelic album, she is back in that room.

When everyone was out for the night, Mia invited VM over. He had already briefly met her Playboy Brother and knew it was Angry Mum's turn. She cooked their favourite meal and watched Easterenders. Neither of them having any interest in it whatsoever and as soon as the last bite was finished, the clothes came off. Caught up in themselves, they never heard the foot steps coming up.

As Mia heard the shouting and the attempt to open the door, she saw her whole life flashing before her. Disappointed Dad wasn't meant to be back for at least another few hours. She mouthed at Vain Man and told him to put his clothes on.

Mia knew she was in trouble. Her parents were aware that she had been sexually active for a number of years and had continuously expressed their disgust at her.

She opened the door to find Disappointed Dad holding a knife in his hand and screaming at her in Punjabi. Vain Man being of Caucasian descent didn't understand a word he was saying. DD told VM to leave and as Mia walked VM to the door she started crying. She could still hear DD screaming abuse at her and before her foot hit the last step, she started shaking.

"What's wrong? What did he say?" Asked Vain Man

"He said he's going to kill me after you leave"

"Is he being serious? He can't be serious"

"There's one thing Ive never told you before. He's been battering me for as long as I can remember. This is like Christmas for him"

Mia then knew there was only one thing she could do.

Vain Man: Its All Over For Now

Mia had fallen from him. It was like watching a mug you had just dropped off the kitchen table falling, knowing it was going to hit the ground but being unable to do anything about it. In conversation, they had both established how they didn't want anything more than a casual arrangement yet she couldn't help but want to see him everyday. She would lie awake at night and watch him sleep. She would think about him when she wasn't with him and whenever Slutty Bitch came up in the conversion, she would crumble inside.

Even though they had been sleeping together for a while, she knew VM still had feelings for SB. He had told her many times and even penned a few songs about her. SB lived on campus where both her and VM went to University, would invite him over and dress inappropriately and it concerned Mia. She was not in a relationship with VM but they had both decided that if either of them would do anything with anyone else, they would tell the other person.

July was fast approaching and she was convinced that whatever magic they had between them would be over once he returned. She wasn't even sure they would keep in touch while he was away. In the last week before VM was going away, they spent every day together. Mia helped him pick clothes for his trip and even helped him pack his bag. Soon came the last night they would spent together, Mia spent the whole day getting ready, she bought lingerie and did her hair the way he liked it.

After hours of lying with each other, VM took her to her favourite restaurant even though he despised it with every inch of his body. They sat there in silence and ate. They both know that what they had, had to stop before one of them got hurt. When they got home that night, Mia cried into her pillow, VM held her tight and told her how silly she was being. He was only going away for a month.

It was only that night that she realised that she was the only one that felt anything in the situation. The man lying next to her might be there in person but his heart was somewhere else...somewhere where she couldn't reach.

While he was away, they kept in touch via email. The increasing amount of emails all indicated to Mia that in fact he had been missing her too and something more serious would happen between them when he got back. Then one night, she bumped into Slutty Bitch, it had been a while since they crossed paths and Mia had not been looking forward it to as she knew there was a chance SB would say something to her about Vain Man. Apparently they had slept together before he left and Mia knew although SB was trying to hurt her, she was probably telling the truth.

She left the club early and walked the mile out of town and into the arms of her ex-boyfriend, The Nightclub Crawler. That night she tried to put aside all her feelings for Vain Man and get lost in herself. To this day, Vain Man does not know of this night and she never told him.

When Vain Man came back from travelling, he never called Mia. When their paths did cross, she confronted him about that night he spent with Slutty Bitch and he denied it but it was too late. In the absence of what they had, Mia had gone out and met someone else. She was now seeing The Spartan and had no intention of being with Vain Man again. He hadn't noticed her worth and in the end she had come out on top, like she always does...that was until one night that completely changed her life where the only person that could make it right was Vain Man.

Vain Man: When boredom leads you into trouble

Exactly a month after their first rendezvous, Mia found herself going through her phonebook. She wasn't necessarily looking for sex, she just wanted to get away from Angry Dad who was doing her nut in.

She finally came across VM's number and called him up asking if she could come over. A brave move seeing that she had been avoiding him since he came over and she had no clue where he lived. VM was unfortunately busy at a gig in Hammersmith but told Mia that she could come around when he got back if she wanted. With a sudden chance of sex on the cards, Mia went home and got ready.

When she met VM at the train station, he was drunk and covered in sweat. This is a smell Mia oddly finds very attractive. Finally in the warmth of his room Mia admired the decor. The walls were covered with posters of The Beatles, Small Faces, The Smiths, Kasabian. One side of the room was rows and rows of cd's and vinyl's. This room was a homage to the 60's and 70's, a new world that Mia had not been exposed to before. Her own father, Angry Dad had only just discovered Whitney Houston.

In true drunken fashion, VM didn't really know what he was doing and at one point bitch slapped Mia in the face with the condom when he was unsuccessfully trying to take it off. It goes without saying that it was another lame attempt to finally get some.

Where had all the chemistry gone?

Mia was debating whether to stay the night and sleep in VM's big strong arms or to go home...unsatisfied again

Mia stayed the night and woke up to be greeted by a gorgeous looking VM carrying warm croissants and sugary tea. She was not expecting this from him at all, she could get used to this and she did. Over the next 3 months, Mia would call VM up when she was drunk and needed some loving. She would go over, spent the night and in the morning leave. They had gotten into a nice comfortable pattern where they would pleasure each other and in between watch DVDs and talk.

Their friendship if they had any in the first place had completely changed, the more time they spent together, the more Mia admired him. He played the guitar and wrote songs. They talked about their broken relationships and where they were heading themselves. VM had decided he was going travelling around Asia for a month in July and Mia was pleased for him. The break up with Slutty Bitch had hit him hard and Mia could see that even months later he was still suffering.

As time passed on and they saw more of each other, they started to hang out rather than just met up only in the night when they were both drunk. Mia would come over and lie in bed while VM entertained her, introducing her to new types of music, comedy she had never heard of and places she had never been. Every time she would leave him, she would have a sinking feeling inside...she wasn't falling for him was she?

Vain Man: Where the story should of ended

[Mia is 20 years old and is seeing a Country Bumpkin. Their 3 month relationship is turning sour. For Mia is a City Girl and despite her many attempts can not adjust to the country lifestyle (first and foremost, the whole flat shoes situation gave her a migraine)]

One night at home, while avoiding CB's phone calls, she hears VM's name in a movie she is watching and thinks of him. It had been a while since they had spoken and she wondered what he was doing.

The next morning, before she took the bus into the countryside, she dropped in to see VM. VM looked awful, he told her about his many sleepless nights and stank of Gin. Slutty Bitch had dumped him after rumours of her bedding another colleague emerged. This was now the 5th guy she had done this too and Mia was not impressed. Not knowing what to do or say to comfort him, she did the only thing she could think of and pulled out her phone, showing him a picture of her peachy bum in a tiny pink G-String. VM liked what he saw and asked for her number.

As she kissed him goodbye and walked down the stairs, she bumped into Slutty Bitch who shot her an eye look and walked off.

Over the next few days, Mia received a number of texts from VM, some of which she responded to and others she ignored. One day when she was bored, she texted VM her address and told him to come over in an hour. While she waited she dressed and tried to make herself look as naturally beautiful as she could.

When VM arrived, she hesitated. Although not friends, she had worked with him. Did she really want to do this?

VM led her upstairs to her (parents) bedroom and when it was all over, she hurried him out and told him she would call him. A promise she never planned to fulfill.

Vain Man

Vain Man is possibly the only true love Mia has experienced. Vain Man was tall, slim and had the bluer eyes than the crystal clear seas in Fiji (Mia has seen the pictures, she knows the score). VM had long chin length hair and at one point, it was longer than Mia's. At the time they were together, Mia was ready to give up everything. The story of VM can not be told in one sitting as it is long and complex which inevitably added Mia's name to the long list of burnt women who sought desperate measures to get even.

In Mia's opinion, VM is heads above the rest purely because he was the first man she ever lived with, the only one whom to this date has managed to train her into becoming domesticated and in a record time of 2 years went from lover to boyfriend to husband to ex-husband.

Mia first met VM when they both worked together as temps for the BBC. VM only worked 3 days a week and was sleeping with Slutty Bitch, whom at the time was an acquaintance Mia was fond off. Whenever Mia and VM worked together, they would amuse themselves with office gossip, tales of their own sex lives and play rude hangman in between their corporate conference calls.

Mia would often flirt with VM. He was easy on the eyes and it passed the time. They both shared the same passions of filthy talking and cutting corners in order to avoid any real hard work.

Months past and when Mia finished her contract and moved to another office, she became busy in her own world and lost in touch with VM...although their story had just begun.